tell me a story

reading my last entry, i realize :

-i still haven't sent out my rent.
-i still haven't paid the cat lady.
-i never got that damned p.o. box.
-i didn't bake cookies.
-also, the whistling thing is next week.

i'm off a week.
i'm behind.

i'm SO fucking close.


my hands are freezing.
actually just my right hand. weird?


i think instead of studying tonight i'm going to go and read a novel by the same lady who wrote "ruby fruit jungle".

but, i did:

-dedicate some of my time to shoving plastic bags into the crevices and cracks that are around the window in my bedroom. i hope/think i did a good job and it was a good idea.
-study
-work
-buy pet supplies
-go to the grocery store
-play guitar and sing
-read some feministing
-e-mail
-have good conversations about art therapy and grad school and life
-save face for someone else
-feel proud
-watch african dancing
-see people make crowns for/with a goat (it wasn't real)


okay.
okay, onward. bedroom! suit up!


j

4 final images are in my portfolio for grad school (so far, a painting and 3 drawings).

i'm going to go and make some mono-prints and photographs of the sculptural element of those prints. i'm glad it's a sunny/warmish day so that i can do this on the back porch, because it's going to make a mess?

i think i finalized my personal statement and plan to upload it tonight.

i have to edit down some photographs, write a letter to myself and take a photograph of the envelope.

really, i should go and get that P.O. box today.

oh, right, and pay my rent and the cat lady. dammit december 1st!

i can do all of this but there are no guarantees. i'm hopped up on a coffee and feeling very positive. getting things done just leads me to more lists of things that need to get done.

i can't decide if it's worth going into work 15 minutes early to whistle in the band. sigh. probably not. but, maybe i'll make cookies to bring in...so, either way i'm well liked. HA.

i will win you over with my vegan treats! suckers!

woke up incredibly early this morning to:
-read up on the association of gay and lesbian psychologists
-read more on dr. evelyn hooker
-research books and articles regarding queers, genderqueers, bisexuals, homos, intersex
-drink apple cider

there is a book i stumbled upon online that is called 'lesbian sex secrets for men' and also, the same authors apparently wrote 'sex tips for straight women from a gay man'.  is this troublesome?  hilarious?  a good resource?  possibly or possibly not.  the concept is more interesting than anything.  i can't remember which erotic anthology (dear me, if anyone knows of ANY great queer erotica send it my way, cuz, geezus, everything i read is kind of ridiculous/terrible) it is (herotica, maybe?  i could be completely wrong) that is a collection of various and sundry stories written by homos for heteros, lesbians writing erotica for gay men, and so on.

it is separatist/problematic for me to think that a lesbian writing about gay men is not writing these sexual fantasies for herself or for other lesbians - or vice versa.  but, the IDEA of stepping outside of your own personal sexual lens of the world and into another persons/wanting to please someone else with your fantasies is kind of the ultimate erotic. 

queer queer queer


i haven't read either of these books, so, i am definitely in no position to comment on the content.  but, curiosity about sex is good.  productive.  the inclusion of "tips" and "secrets" makes me think these books are garbage.  but, hell, what do i know.

with sunflower seeds, dark chocolate chips, dried cranberries and raisins. 

MMM whole wheat bread.


i was feeling down earlier and ate a bunch of chips and "teese".

now i'm feeling up because:

- i have put up plastic on my windows.  also, my bedroom window now features 3 layers of curtains that will hopefully help keep out the cold. 
- done a load of laundry
- finished a book
- put away clean dishes
- played guitar
- reconfigured some "to-do" list items
- found out erica miiiiight be coming to town next weekend.  either way, it's nice to think about.
- watched arrested development
-i'm baking bread (in a machine, but, bread nonetheless)

i like lists.
sometimes i like to report things.
today is one of those days.

hmmm.  oh, today.

i won't be able to call this home until i have someone to share it with.

my thoughts for the day.

i could definitely be happier right now.
i could definitely be sadder. 

it's true.

i've been struggling all of my life with the idea of "sitting" with something.  allowing it to evolve and heal itself in time.  i am not good at this, because i come from an "i'm sorry" family.  we never really let each other go to bed upset/angry.  or, at least, it was uncommon. 

there was one memorable fight that i remember between my parents.  i don't know why they were fighting - they were good at keeping things under wraps - not making children deal with adult problems, which, i admire.  so, we were outside washing the car - it was summertime.  my big brother, me and my parents.  all i vividly remember, since i was pretty young (in elementary school) was my mom dumping a bucket of water over my dad's head.  and then i think he sprayed her with the hose.  (or vice versa?)  we all laughed and went inside.  probably for a snack.  well, maybe i'm just hungry right now telling this story, so, probably we had lemonade.  i made that up.  but, that sounds nice, right?

sometimes you have to dump a bucket of water on someone's head to let them know they're a jerk and then you should hold hands & go  drink lemonade/have a snack. 

i don't think i'm a bad person, today, necessarily.  but, i do think i have some issues to work out - everyone does, i know this.  i want to do all the right things in life and have everything be perfect, but, that's not how the world/my brain functions. 

i think some of the best life lessons i've learned has been in the way i've had to negotiate issues with other people in my life.  this gives me depth.  being able to acknowledge the fact that i make mistakes and am human is also really important.  i have to continually remind myself that i make mistakes and that there is no such thing as a perfect person...otherwise i fall hard.  i am susceptible to making poor decisions just like everyone else. 

this is a good time to figure out what do i need and what can i provide?

love,
jona


(when life gives you lemons)

writing my personal statement is :

a.  important for the development of my self-concept
b.  a challenging experience
c.  a lot of fucking work
d.  annoying as shit because it's hard to yammer on about myself
e.  fun, because, i get to yammer on about myself and the way i feel about the world
f.   necessary
g.  all of the above


i've just begun and it'll be over soon.  i hope i get this.  i hope hope hope.  oh UNIVERSE!  I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!

is a good word.  meaning:  "exaggerate or feign illness in order to escape duty or work"

this is not my current state, but, it is in an article i'm reading about psychiatric prison inmates.

i had to google "how to tie a bow" tonight.  which, then led me to a youtube video, which, indeed, showed me how to tie a bow.  although, the video did not instruct me on how to watch out for cat claws whilst handling bow action...leading to a certain cat (wrenfield, thank you very much) striking my palm!  jerk!  ah, well.  the bow looks nice.  there wasn't any blood!!

what can i say.  i'm tying bows and wrapping mysterious packages.  i have a few tricks up my sleeve.  truth.

i am ravenous.  truth.

exciting news: erica coming to town on friday!  that is SO SOON!!  yay!

my hands and feet are cold.
i'm a terrible driver.
i like tea cups.
i like cats.
i have cats.
i like prunes.
i like baking.
i like feeding other people my home cooked things.
i sometimes smell like lavender.
i bought tiny birdhouses.
i bought cat mugs.
i often give my advice to others and it usually involves safety considerations.
i have ridiculous sweaters with hearts, flowers, sheep and farms on them.
i like comfortable shoes.
i like a nice spot of tea.

i am an old lady!

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses,
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air,

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes.  We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot's in the door.

"Mushrooms" 13 November 1959

and when it's really windy...you know what that means?
my apartment feels like it is shaking back and forth.  it is rather unsettling.

anyhow.

i just found a purple aromatherapy highlighter in my drawer.  also, weird. 

i'm trying to cross things off of my to - do list.  i don't think the aromatherapy marker is offering much relaxation.  it kind of smells fruity and herbal at the same time as it smells like chemicals.  i want to eat it and throw it up at the same time. 

i'm cooking split pea curry soup right now.  i didn't have some things the recipe called for (onion and carrot) but i did have some things it didn't call for (wheat berries, tomato, beets).  we'll see how this turns out.  hopefully great!!  there are some crazy spice combos that i haven't ever tried before that are working together in my pot : cinnamon, curry powder, ginger, cardamom, cumin, salt, coriander, garlic.  magical potions!

i did realize that when you cook down beets - the leftover shreds that have lost most of their color looks like shredded bacon, kind of, in the right light.  also, strange. 

lesson plans must be rewritten and written. 
i'm moving at a slow pace but i have faith that i can knock some things down.

it's so frustrating when you give extra attention to something so as to keep on top of it and then lose it.  blerg!!!

such is life.  it's a good thing i keep everything.  i'm sure it'll turn up at some point.  HA

long conversation with my brother about positive life things. 

i cut myself with a knife while chopping vegetables.

my uncle died.

this is all very surreal.

erica, i miss you.

people in iowa don't lock their doors.
people in iowa leave their windows wide open.
people in iowa gaze at the stars and drink rhubarb wine.
people in iowa dehydrate boxes of tomatoes.
people in iowa guerrilla harvest gardens at night. 
people in iowa sit in a park, play guitar and sing songs.
people in iowa write love letters on leaves.
people in iowa eat hot peppers in a garden and have to run to grab a tomato because their mouth is on fire.
people in iowa sit out in the grass.
people in iowa make up their own recipes.
people in iowa don't use knives to measure their ingredients.
people in iowa have friends who lives upstairs.
people in iowa walk only a block to find their friends.
people in iowa have bonfires and s'mores.
people in iowa sing songs to each other.
people in iowa go to amish country.
people in iowa have picnics at lily pond.
people in iowa don't wear their shirts.
people in iowa have refrigerators full of vegetables.
people in iowa have plastic tubs full of 7 grain, flour and wheat berries.
people in iowa have parties with german people.
people in iowa study when they skip class.
people in iowa sit on the front porch and drink fresh/home made mint tea.
people in iowa have beds with cute bed sheets.
people in iowa have nice smiles.
people in iowa say "i can hear you!!!"
people in iowa get excited about food creations.
people in iowa skip down the street past a prairie.
people in iowa go to vegan co-op (after the fact) for free food.
people in iowa go to shabbat dinner and help clean up.
people in iowa have breakfasts at sunny tables.
people in iowa go to the grocery store and act super cute considering their options.
people in iowa floss their teeth together.
people in iowa fart.
people in iowa try a different brand of craisins that are not called craisins.
people in iowa put squash on their heads.
people in iowa have lovely voices and amazing things to say.
people in iowa tell stories.
people in iowa are making a story.

i love people in iowa.  specifically, one.
i could go on, but, for now, i'll stop.

-jona

"do you think i'd like her?"

"yes"


tomorrow will be full of blueberry walnut corn muffins, coffee, playing, scavenging, singing, playing, working.  it's hard to say really.  it's going to be a long day, especially since it's almost 2am.  i have to be up in 4 1/2 (ish) hours.  sheesh!  the crazy thing is that i'm not too terribly sleepy...and all i want to do is read books.  at least it's been a productive day which makes exhaustion worth it! 

a lot of things to look forward to.

a lot of work to do.

there is love and work and lovers work.  to quote - songs:ohia.

"there are gaps between the light
and the dark road we are on
no gaps between what's right
and the need that we have
somewhere under six a.m
there is the room and the event in this room
there is the dark
and these events in the dark
there is love and work and lovers work
love and work and lovers work
love and work and lovers work
love and work
and it took all of my strength
to ignore the need to stay
and it took all of my strength
to leave you either way
and we are constellations in our own way
and there are these
three degrees of merit to us
there is love and work and lovers work
love and work and lovers work
love and work and lovers work
love and work"


generally, great.  great great great. 

no ginger chocolate chip cookies tonight.
tomorrow, maybe.

an amazing girl is coming to visit me this weekend.
it's exciting.
i am also, on a side note, turning my 27th year on sunday, 8:00am. 
i am reading the "the house on mango street".  i'm actually reading a lot of books at the moment.  and i bought a couple of new guys today.  craps.  there is not enough time.

also, this : http://twitter.com/sockington

unbelievable.  CATS!

i got the a/c put in the apt!  (not just in my bedroom)  YEEHAW.  you know what that means?!  BAKING!

i took isa chandra moskowitz's recipe for peanut butter cookies and added about 3/4 cup of pumpkin and a little water to make it moist...(hopefully they don't fall apart on me - this might have been a poor choice?  but they smell good, at least!)

1/3 cup canola oil
3/4 cup brown sugar (i had 1 cup of white sugar and added 1 tbsp molasses)
1 cup all-natural, smooth, unsalted peanut butter (yah, whole foods machine that grinds peanuts!!  it's the best)
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt

DUDES.  if you don't own the cookbook - 'vegan with a vengeance', you should!  isa is awesome and almost every recipe is DELICIOUS.  she has a lot of cookbooks (that i don't own yet, but surely will) so check it!

 



i was looking for pictures of peanut butter cookies to post or something related but found this instead.  i like it.

some days : i want love letters left on my front door and flowers at my feet.  i want a pretty face to cook me cupcakes and to ravel their fingers around my curls.

(i wrote this about a month or so ago/genuinely, to the world and not for anyone in particular...my thoughts on it now is : erica erica erica erica her her her her she is the one to do these things)

awe-struck.